Ahoy seamen, and welcome back to the 2017 Summer Tour. Losses for the Horchata Armada have steadily mounted and casualties have been assessed. Take us to Def-Con 2. Get me the president on the horn. Full steam ahead. Damn the torpedoes and while your at it, put down that silly saber and enjoy some oysters and champagne. Lucy the useless intern has graduated from being terrible at working sound to also being terrible at packing gear. Some heathen left our white table at the Hollywood Bowl. Thanks Alex and A.J., that one came from Hulaween. She’s gotten all jumpy and wired and she wants to stay in the A.W. all the time. She may have gotten into my drugs but I don’t think so. It’s hard to tell anymore. I think she’s hearing all the chipmunks and whatever the hell is in the Saddle Mountain Recreational Area. It all looks like some elvish village to me. I’m starting to get a little wierded out is all and if, for one second, those elves come a knockin, I know for a fact the cedars will blow up like a powder keg.
Hey tater-head, I’m talking to you. Sometimes good things happen to bad people. Sometimes bad people happen to good things. You never know what kind of unhinged cracker is going to pull up next to your campfire and make themselves at home like it’s all snowballs and fruitcakes on Christmas Day in Mayberry. This is a weird life and you are hardly creative enough to come up with this kind silliness on your own. You must have had some help. Give it up and show me what you’ve got in your pockets. Sometimes enough isn’t enough. Sometimes no means f’sho no. Back up bro because you are in my hula-hoop. Just because you occasionally make bad choices, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person, but it may an indicator light that won’t turn off. It’s too late for me. Go on. Save yourself. Lord knows you’ve earned it.
Easy guy. That isn’t what anyone really wants. Come Grasshopper. Calm your busy mind and let everything fall away into peace and beautiful, blissful slumber. The Watcher, as many of his flock call him, would say that there is a river in the sea and all you have to do is find it. If you get there and it’s full of plastic toothbrushes and flip flops, you’ve gone too far. You’re in the gyre. Find your way to some solid ground and prepare thyself for Big Mamou’s Shrimp and Grits Recipe. Because there is a season to eat the fish and another to eat the bait.
We look to Big Mamou and his church, the House of the Velvet Way as the legitimate spiritual signpost for cosmogonical guidance. Like the tiny acorn looks to the mighty ceiling fan, so will we. Do you enjoy camping and crying out loud with other adults? If so, then sign up today for one of their individually designed, therapeutic Discovery Weekends. All programs are uniquely tailored with your spiritual needs in mind. Choose from one of this month’s available deluxe therapy opportunities; “The Limits of Chemical Camping”, the first-timers favorite, “Why Do We Say No?” Mountaintop Retreat Message, and our independent study book selection, “Science, Grouse, and God”. If you happen to still be around on Sunday, get ready for a treat and catch Big Mamou demonstrate the sacred and holy “dance of dissemblance” as he supervises the removal of his training tent and pleasure palace.
The Big Mamou Live Oak Camping Breakdown Method:
- Safety: The first priority is on safety of yourself and other members of the flock. Breaking down a campsite can be a very traumatic event. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, then you can’t be good for anyone else. Find a safe spot in which to sit. Preferably one with a clear visual line of site and accessible exits. Sit Indian-style* and allow someone to tie kite sting in a perimeter around you. Give yourself at least 2-3 feet on either side. Hang jingly bells on the string as an extra security precaution to ensure no one is able to sneak up on you. (*racist?)
- Precautions: It’s quite obvious that some law enforcement agency is coming for you. What can you do but stem the awful tide and just stick the broken tip of your wooden clog in the dyke? There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped. Sometimes an instance rises whereby an individual must be taken into custody under the mental health law in Florida and sent for an involuntary psychiatric examination. Being Baker Acted can be very scary for people and their friends and family. An adult may only be held up to 72 hours for an involuntary examination, so if you feel it’s unavoidable, the best policy is to begin the process as soon as possible. That way, you can rejoin the festivities make yourself available to further debauchery all that much sooner.
- Precautions part 2: Be wary of unannounced strangers when they approach your campsite. These vagabonds are not there to merely play music or converse. To the contrary, they bring malcontent and the need to sew the very seeds of disharmony. They should be dealt with seriousness and clear intent. When being approached by a potential assailant, speak in a loud, clear voice and make your intentions known. Say, “You are not welcome and I am prepared to defend myself with deadly force if necessary”. If that doesn’t convince them to turn and walk the other way, then they deserve what’s coming.
(1.) Clean out vehicle and prepare for return packing. Sweep out mats and refill wiper fluid. (2.) Walk camping area and pick up all loose trash. Dispose in proper container. Separate recyclables. (3.) Obtain a container of lighter fluid. Douse all camping equipment including tables and canopies. Ignite and drive away at unsafe speeds.
Feelin a little thin in the skin? From the Great Blue Hole of Belize to Brown’s Hole in Utah, generations of Mamou shaman have used this delicious recipe to decorate the innards of their chosen people. Now, the tradition falls to you.
- 4 cups of water or shrimp stock.
- 1 cup of real grits (not polystyrene)
- 2 cups of mild or sharp cheddar cheese shredded. Use real cheese. (not latex)
- I prefer mild cheddar as to not overpower the other flavors.
- 4 tablespoons of real butter (not manufactured)
- 3 slices of thick cut bacon or 5 slices of regular cut bacon
- I chop up bacon into small pieces before cooking it but you can always crumble it after cooking it.
- 1½ pounds of heads-on shrimp or 1 pound cleaned shrimp
- 2 cloves of chopped garlic
- 1 cup diced green onions or ½ cup of diced regular onion I prefer the green onions.
- Juice from 1 large lime
- 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley or 1 tablespoon dried parsley. I prefer fresh if they have it at the store.
- Salt and pepper to taste.
- I prefer to use a stock made with the heads and shells of the shrimp. For this I use 4½ cups of water and let the heads and tails simmer while I am preparing the other ingredients. If you use headless shrimp, at least use the shells to make the stock. Do not bring to a full boil. Use only 4 cups of this shrimp water to prepare the grits with.
- Remove heads and shells from shrimp and add to 4½ cups of water. Bring to just below boil and then cover and reduce to simmer for at least 10 minutes.
- Cook grits per package instructions. If you have a gas stove, turn off the heat. If you are using an electric stove, remove from heat. Add the cheese and butter and then cover tightly. After five minutes stir the melting cheese and butter into the grits.
- As the grits are cookin...
- Fry bacon per package instructions, remove from pan and save about half the grease. Make sure you drain the bacon well when you remove it from the pan so it stays a bit crispy. Chop or crumble it up if you have not already done so.
- Over medium heat gently saute shrimp in remaining bacon grease and cook until they just start to turn pink. You do not want to overcook the shrimp. Add in all the other ingredients except for the grits and cook for about three minutes longer or until shrimp are done to your liking.
- Now you can either plate the grits and add the shrimp mixture on top or you can just take all the shrimp mixture and add it all to the pot of grits and mix gently.
You can absolutely taste the love and work in each bite. Unless you don’t care much or try very hard. In that case, replace those ingredients with a dash of apathy and a 2 tablespoons of severe disgust.
- The Foreign Legion Years: Life aboard a caravan is never cheese and rice when you’re constantly being hassled by a tribe of dirty Bedouin traders. That was the situation in the early nineties on the silk road, where conflict had risen it’s ugly head between the cities of Kashgar and Aksu, and the local economies were beginning to suffer. As their parents had done a generation before them, village elders called for the Mamou. Because of his influence, experience, and a reputation for fair play and goodwill, he was brought in to help the villagers adjust to the new plan. Before it was all over, the men who had not converted had their skulls placed on pig poles and decorated with figs and berries by village children. Most of the women were traded for cattle, tobacco and sugar and their children were sent off to work in the gyre.