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The pounding rain has stopped. The clouds have parted. Football season has returned and, once again, all is right with the world. The fish are celebrating their short lived, weekend reprise, as anglers sit hypnotized in front of their monster digital televisions. Are you too old to go to games anymore? It’s alright. Don’t feel bad. It’s expensive, crowded, loud and there’s nothing less fun than walking down the long stairs while opposing fans sing torture ballads and deface your stadium and campus.
Stay home! There’s nothing more fun than hosting a football party at your own domicile. You can insulate yourself with supportive friends and protective talismans. You can defend your home from evil spirits by using the enchantment of the four winds. Sacred river stones placed at the four corners will help channel the Earth River through your living room. Hey, it’s football season. Whatever it takes. And if the unthinkable happens and somehow you manage to lose, you can throw everyone to the curb and curl up with a Cohen Brothers’ movie and a chocolate milk. Let them pick up their jackets and cell phones the next day.
While it’s pretty simple to host a football party (apes starving for football are easy to please), there is a subtle etiquette and set of expectations by which gentlemen of higher stock grade one another. Consider this list of tested party suggestions and preparations, do it the right way and have fun. Sometimes your home needs the energy that comes with a big win.
Football Party Preparation!
- Guest list: There are two kinds of football parties. Whether it’s in a sports bar or a man cave, the make-up of the participants are either heterogeneous or homogeneous. There’s either the collective support for one team or the crowd vibrates with a friendly spirit of competitive energy. And this lasts only until the wrong kind of fan is in your face and things go the way of a saloon brawl. It depends on the game and the guest list. If my grandfather is attending, I would shy away from inviting anyone whose team colors are orange. Real men don’t wear orange. You may want to avoid the intensely devoted fan. He can get real excited. I know because I am one and sometimes it looks a little weird. The other loud fan is the one who doesn’t have a horse in the race. He just wants your team to lose and will go as far as to learn the other team’s chants just to remind you. I hate that guy.
- House Prep: Flags should already have been put out before the first game in September. For those dynamic personalities that leave their flags out all year, inspect flags and replace as needed. Visit the game room or the hall of victory and dust the framed programs. If you have fifteen national championships, you may have to hire a maid. Use hypo-allergenic markers to decorate pets and tattoo forearms.
- Halftime Vittles: There are many ways to go about this but the easiest and most tasty begins at the Sam’s Club Cafe. Pick up a hot (16in) pizza, cheesy bread sticks, cookies and a 2-liter of Coke for just $13.98. Better yet, have someone pick it up one the way or give someone who really doesn’t care about football the mission during the second quarter. They’ll be so happy to be involved in the football fun!
Halftime only lasts thirty minutes so someone needs to be moving with determined purpose. In just a few minutes, dinner is ready when you pick up the Sam’s Club Coke & Pizza Bundle at Sam’s Club. It’s a zip in/zip out kind of thing. Perfect for the fall afternoon when your energies are focused on interstate rivalries rather than halftime snacks. Leave the oven off. No one is going to be cleaning the kitchen later anyway.
Football Trivia: What collegiate nicknames don’t end with the letter S?