So it is writ, so it shall be. It is well known that man cannot live on apple butter alone. Welcome y’all, to the Strawberry Jalapeno Jam Recipe Jubilee and from here on out, you can f’sho know it, everything gets a little easier. It’s the way of shinola over time in this world. Things got to get ground down. All you have to do is stay right till it comes. You got to get lost to get found. Got to be blind before you can see. The evidence before the court is incontrovertible.* The yoke isn’t supposed to be all that heavy. Now cool down boy. Settle back easy, Jim.
This post has been sponsored by the fruitcakes at the Mystic Order of the Moonpie Kids and Family Tent. You can find them making origami flowers at your next festival. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas around the nailtravels kitchen without homemade apple butter under the tree but this year the vote was cast and the crew rocked the boat a bit in exploring the peppery goodness of strawberry jam with jalapenos. Mission accomplished yo. Yesssssssssssss.
Welcome to Plant City, Florida. Kick off your shoes and sit for a spell. It’s home to bona fide redneck fiddle players, biker bars and some of the best winter strawberries on Earth. See East Nashville Hot Fried Chicken for more information on Plant City trash. Just when you’ve had enough of Cluelesston.
Plant City has a rich history dating back to the mid-1800s when settlers first began to populate the state. Plant City was incorporated in 1885, 16 years after Florida was chartered. Plant City derives its name from Henry Bradley Plant, not the surrounding agricultural industry which greatly added to the city’s growth. It also boasts the southernmost Krystal in the contiguous US.
Plant City’s original name was Ichepucksassa after the Indian village that once occupied this territory. Loosely translated, it means “tattooed biker chick with questionable intent”. Not really, but one has to be vigilant when approaching fake news. Thank goodness nailtravels provides a reliable platform for accurate and up-to-date information. The Ichepicksassa River runs through Hillsborough and Polk county and the name means “medicinal plant”. So much confusion was created with the spelling and pronunciation that the Irish postmaster renamed the village Cork, after his home city. In 1884, Henry B. Plant extended the South Florida Railroad into the town and a year later, when the town was incorporated, it was once again renamed for him.
Today, over 3/4 of the nation’s midwinter strawberries come from Plant City. At the Florida Strawberry Festival, held each winter, you can enjoy some of the finest shortcake, pie, cobblers and assorted gibberish made from the freshest strawberries anywhere in the Orion Cluster.
While Plant City Strawberry Jalapeno Jam is a hella good idea of a Christmas gift, be cautious to avoid the pitfalls that accompany the….
Worst Animalia Christmas Gifts of 2017:
- Bird: The only thing worse than a bird in a cage is a girl who owns a bird in a cage. This is a full-blown, Def-con four, five-star alarm if ever there was one. Run, don’t walk, far, far away. On the other hand, you’ll never have to worry about being late for work with her feathered friend waking you and the neighbors up everyday just before sunrise. If you want to see Scarlet Macaws, visit Copan.
- Snake: Other than watching it eat mice and bunnies, there’s no real thrill here. Don’t trust anything that doesn’t blink, like Hoosiers or snakes. Imagine a Hoosier with a snake. Ye Gods! It’s widely known that only witches and hippies own snakes. It can be mildly hot on a first date, but that kind of thing dries up about the time it coils around your throat. Their best use is for hat bands, boots, and belts. If your snake comes up missing, check the toilet. If your Hoosier comes up missing, check the Jacaranda.
- Ferret: Wow. Speaking of your house smelling like a rodent farm. Not even enough meat to make a decent stew. If you make this mistake, at least be sure to remove the stink gland. And remove your own while your at it. Not that it will help either of you.
- Pit Bull: All they do is swim and bark at bubbles. Pit bulls are endlessly gauche.
Feel good about yourself. This recipe uses pure Florida cane sugar, where the tractors use satellites to drive themselves. Thanks Big Sugar for slavery and keep those fresh water discharges coming. If you’re worried about a few calories, remember that time spent in Tonkawa, OK. Once you’ve been that skinny, there’s no need to worry about a few extra pounds. You never know when you’ll need it.
Please remember, gentle reader, Christmas is the season to create. Craft new traditions and add to your lore. Buckingham, Florida has adopted the tradition of enjoying raw oysters on Christmas Eve. In a world of questionable traditions, that’s not too shabby. Homemade Christmas gifts are always the best idea. Or a computer.** Making jam is kinda baller. By the time your done, a $2.00 jar of jam will cost you about $5.00, but it’s Christmas, Sir Grinchalot. A half tray of strawberries makes about two dozen jars. You may need to find more friends.
**holy cow. great gift Ma Roux.
“Got a case of dynamite. I could hold out here all night.” Don’t Take Me Alive. Becker, Fagen
- 4 cups Plant City strawberries (crushed)
- 1 cup jalapeno peppers (processed)
- ¼ cup lemon juice
- 1¾ oz pectin
- 7 cups sugar
- tab o butter
- that's it. so easy.
- Crush strawberries by hand. Discard stems and leaves.
- Use mixer or food processor to turn jalapenos into slime. For this recipe we didn't use the seeds, but that would make it hotter.
- Mix both.
- Add pectin and lemon juice.
- Bring to a boil for one minute.
- Add sugar and bring to a boil for one minute.
- Can it for ten minutes.
I love me some Shrimphead.
- Greatest Christmas Gift Ever: It’s pimp-thirty fool. You best put on your sailin’ shoes. Crimson Tide National Champion and SEC Champion ring replicas from China. Nuff said. You may need more fingers. Thug life, yo. In the words of Lowell George, “I’m so funky, I can’t stand it.”
Roll tide. Sorry Alan, Vicky, and Daniel. Lewis Grizzard said that Clemson is just Auburn with a lake. It’s time for the dream to die.
Join nailtravels in the hunt for Thatcher Owen Mullins, who disappeared somewhere near Live Oak, Florida, while attempting to sell illegally imported sweet potatoes to undercover ATF agents. Perchance, the seed did not find purchase in Live Oak. Uh huh. No hesitation. No tears and no hearts breaking. No remorse. Uh huh. Congratulations. This your Haitian divorce. Last seen, he was accompanied by a chick magnet of a pit bull, who was reportedly swimming to Mexico and barking gleefully at bubbles.
Keep up with the fam as we rejoin Lazlito and Dead & Co. as they head back to the Sunshine State in late February after Johnny’s emergency hysterectomy. Don’t be a Mayer Hater dude. nailtravels will be backstage at Okeechobee Fest, in an effort to rendezvous with Twiddle before heading north for the Camp Happiness team building clinic and the Roanoke mafia shotgun wedding. Thanks for showing up.
(Ed. note: That’s two references in one article. We cannot be more clear)