Preventative Maintenance for Emergent Mothers is a series of guideposts that are designed to keep the male animal away from relationship hazards and difficulties. And isn’t that the number one goal in this short life? There’s no reason to expect miracles, because, still you are going to mess up royally, but adhering to these simple rules may keep you from stepping outside the unfamiliar realms of disharmony and discord. Read on young grasshopper. You already have two screaming kids at home. You don’t also need a screaming woman.
Your lady is dragging around a toddler and a newborn. One is balanced up against her hip like a propane tank and the other is hanging from an exposed breast like a fruit bat. She’s worn out like a pair of your grandfather’s old work jeans. She feels as if she’s alone and has the yoke of the world around her neck. She thinks she’s as attractive as a boxing mat and about as much fun as a Somalian flea-market. She is a bloody mess.
You would think this lady with two small children would want to avoid getting divorced and attacking life on her own. Oh, be wary young fool, it happens. Trust me, the sour cloud of divorce can easily darken even the brightest doorstep. Sometimes, the idea of staying with a total deadbeat is just too much to bear. Offstage sound: (door closing.) Our brand of comedy can emit such a stench that our beloved will be out the screen door before the biscuits are done. Do not fret dear heart. It’s been repeatedly documented what a tragic weight we are on society. A prisoner within the invisible walls of our own country, but nonetheless, more machine than man. We take it, roll it up in a ball, and toss it in the refuse basket. So it’s cool. You, however, may not want to go down that long black road. Divorce is certainly not for everyone. Some folks would rather save the money and time and just put up with the crazy. You can’t really do anything about it, except learn to work within it’s framework. Let’s see how.
One way we do that is by lessening it or making it go away. We extinguish the fires that ignite and flame the crazy and take away the reasons for it. This will, in no way, keep the slanted side of life away from your doorstep completely, but who wants that anyway? Most women really don’t want to be bored. You can be lazy, even predictable, but don’t be boring.
Think of it as putting lipstick on the face of your relationship. Little pieces of duct tape that keep the leaks small. Sure, there’s minor problems here and there, but nothing that causes the whole dam to break. Little cracks add up over time. One missing screw is not going to break down the Rube Goldberg mouse trap, but leave out a fan, a cork on a string, and the duck that walked away…..now we’re at DEFCON 3. Get me the president on the horn.
Ways To Keep The Mom Happy
- Take the children somewhere and leave her home: For all she cares, you could be taking them to Pakistan. You could be training them to hunt voles in the back yard. Perhaps they’re joining the Marines and it’s time for their first tiny tattoos. Anchors behind the ears are always nice. Ask any girl from Ohio. Or cool words across their tiny knuckles like BABY PUNK or FIST CITY. Trust me, she doesn’t care. A few hours of not having to listen to you or small children will do wonders for her attitude.
- Change a diaper for goodness sake: Jesus Christ are you joking? I mean, I love the machismo that comes with referring to it as “women’s work”. That is truly awesome. I was a reasonably responsible married man but I never got away with that kind of noise. If you can, more power to you, but also consider the benefits of changing the occasional diaper. Try to time it right so you only have to deal with tee-tee. If it is, make a big deal like you’re changing a grease filter on a deep fryer and then discard the evidence. Help out every once in awhile. Girls like that.
- Bathe a child: Perhaps you thought your child was just always real clean. Why not? It’s brand new and rarely gets left outside, why in the world would it be dirty? Maybe it cleans itself like a cat. Whatever you may have thought, that train has sailed. Use the sink, the pool, even the garden hose but wash off some of that crusty buttermilk lodged in the creases of the neck folds. Clean yourself while your at it. There’s nothing sexier than a man taking a bubble bath with his babies.
- Make dinner: If this confuses you, the kitchen is the room down the hall, by the large corn plant that needs dusted and the Leroy Neiman portrait of Coach Bryant. It’s really a lovely kitchen. You’ve seen pictures of it on someone’s phone. Proceed in the direction you yell every time you need a fresh beer or a new plate of pizza bites. Check it out. The new skylight and backsplash look fantastic.
- Let her watch what she wants on television: Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Ellen don’t even come on at night, so you’ve got that going for you. You might get stuck with a crime drama like C.S.I. Tallahassee or a Hallmark western starring Linda Hamilton and Michael Gross. Just try and go to sleep in your chair and get a good night sleep. You may be getting up in the middle of the night to feed the tater-tot anyway.
- Romance: Think of it like dancing. If you don’t want to dance, someone else is going to dance with your date. The question is whether or not you mind someone dancing with your date. Perhaps you should learn to dance. That combined with getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby should turn all your hassles into gravy.
Take care of business so the business won’t take care of you. Little things done in advance save time, money, and effort later. Like a street or a dyke, preventative maintenance will keep bad things at bay. Admit it, you like being married. It’s hard to believe she said yes. Or that anyone would say yes. Think of how much easier it is taking care of two kids with her around. Pull it together tough guy and find something else to complain about. It’s a hard knock life.
My parents, like many others, have been married since they were fetching water from a well. They are still perfectly happy and madly in love. They are constantly traveling and exploring together, ever in a race to spend whats left of my inheritance. It’s fun to be in love. It’s nice to know that no matter what you do, she has no other choice but to keep you around. It’s not so easy to train a newer model either. They have just as many problems as you do. Just do your best and make her feel special. It’s not the hardest thing out there. You just make it difficult.
Go get em tiger.